stars in the sky

What I walk away with, as I pull my bags over my shoulder and embark upon a new idea, an immaterialized dream, is how drastically my life has changed. How deeply I have been moved. How seriously I have rediscovered my path in a short time. How much respect and awe I hold towards my new brothers and sisters who will change the world we live in today.


In precious sweet memory of my little brother, Neil Lal. May you dance with reckless abandon in the skies above us now that you’ve found your peace within.


What can I do to permanently fix the detrimental leaks in their lives? These amazing, energetic, begging to learn and pleading to grow little friends of mine. Money takes one only so far, and until now it held no meaning in our friendship. Even so, money runs out, money gets spent, money is material. To be educated though, cannot be taken from a child. It cannot run out and it cannot be stolen. But it can materialize in ways one could never imagine.


But when you write, and especially when you write to no one at all but everyone in the world, you get this amazing, unique chance to express yourself and your thoughts, entirely shed of defense. You get to just talk to whomever will listen and those who listen get to listen invisibly. They get to hear your voice without having to respond right away- or ever. But those words have now pierced their balloon of perceptions. They have skedaddled their way from scattered words on the scrabble board to meaningful epiphanies in the minds of people who matter- and sometimes those who didn’t matter at all.


But do we always ask for the help that we undoubtedly need but cannot find solutions to? Is it our responsibility as human beings to seek out health and happiness for ourselves? Is it our responsibility to seek it out for others if we deem they are unable to find it on their own? When do morals, respect and pride give way in light of our presumptuous answers to happiness?


Loneliness is like waking up in the deep, encompassing darkness of a cave. It’s the first moment your eyes tell your mind what blackness is. It’s the millisecond of time you feel your pupils dilate, attempting to adjust to an unfamiliar endless hole of space. It’s the questions that invade your mind in hopes to grab hold of something tangible, comfortable, understandable. It’s the painful, confusing, frustrating noise of nothingness.


I never planned for this. I never saw it coming. I could have gone an infinite number of days, months and years, living in my corner, treating the world as if they were expendable. But what is real, what is honest, is that I’ve lied. I’ve lied to myself to be happy, I’ve lied to my home to be safe, I’ve lied to my world to be free.


Why, then, do we set our goals and expectations together on a tiny floating cloud, forcing ourselves into a dark corner of everlasting disappointment and dulled happiness as we squint into the sky searching for misplaced desires, when we could open our eyes, breathe in each heartbeat shed of weight, and accept the world for all of its bright, beautiful stolen moments of unabashed bliss?


I feel like an air bubble that’s been searching for surface water, years passed as if minutes underwater, bouncing about the ocean waves fiending for where I fit in. I’ve steered my little bubble a certain path for many years, leeching on to bigger stronger ones, in hopes of being swallowed up into their prosperous air of success or of reaping their benefits by mirroring their motions.


How do I piece together the moments of ignorance, minutes of ingenuity, tangos with temporary insanity, and lifetimes of friendships before it all disappears into the black hole of complacency?